Confusion
by Nalanzu
Summary: The lines of reality are often blurred; now it seems they have vanished altogether, and Goten is caught within the paradox.


They say there used to be magic in this world. It's funny, actually, because they have no idea about the Dragonballs. I'd say those are pretty magical in nature, but what do I know. Before yesterday – was it only yesterday? – I'd have said that I had a pretty good handle on the mystic things surrounding us. I mean, I died for the first time when I was seven. I was trained to fight by a god. My father… Do I even need to go into him? My older brother's first teacher was once a deity, and we rode on the clouds. Before we learned to fly. And this was all pretty normal. 

Normal is a word I'll never ever take for granted again. 

Did you know there are other worlds? Of course not. We did. At least, we knew of the world that Mirai Trunks came from, and the world where he died at the hands of Cell. And we thought that was all. If that was true, life would have been so much simpler for me… yesterday? Today? I'm not sure any more. 

See, the difference between our world and Mirai Trunks' world is that we changed our own reality. He climbed into that machine and came back, and altered history. Our timelines are inextricably intertwined, because they have the same branching off point. It's not always the case – This is confusing? I should start at the beginning. 

I… think I remember where the beginning is. I was sparring. With Trunks. He's my best friend. No, not Mirai Trunks. That one came from the future. Trunks is from this time. We've known each other as long as I can remember. Sparred together, played together… Nothing more, nothing less. He's like another brother. I never thought of him in any other way, before yesterday. And I'm fairly certain he's never harbored any other feelings for me. Of course, I'm not really certain of anything right now… 

Oh. Right. Begin at the beginning. So, we were sparring. Hi ki levels and all that. Not Super Saiyan, because that would have been counterproductive. If you hone your skills at the lowest level, they improve at the higher levels as well, and it's not so hard on your environment. He came up behind me and hit me with a blast to the back of the head. I know what you're thinking, but I was not hallucinating. Not from that little thing. I've been hit harder than that plenty of times. 

As I was saying, he hit me and I went down. I was surprised, that's the only reason. I sent out a ki barrier to break my fall, and everything went black. I woke up lying on the ground, hand touching a metallic… something. I still don't know what it was… is. It was inscribed all over, but I couldn't read it. I didn't think it was that important anyway, and I just stood up. It was dark out, and lightning was flashing off to the east. I didn't see Trunks anywhere. I was a little irritated, you know? He'd just gone off and left me. So I started flying towards home. I hadn't gotten more than fifty yards when I was hit again and this time, I didn't go down. 

To my great surprise, it wasn't Trunks hovering in the air above me. I didn't recognize the fighter, actually. He looked kinda like me, kinda like my brother. Saiyan, definitely. Which confused the hell outta me. I mean, I know damn good and well that there are only seven people with Saiyan blood on this planet… hell, in the universe. And this kid wasn't one of them. To make matters worse, he was glaring at me like he wanted to kill me. This was so not my day. 

Then he started speaking. 

"Traitor!" 

Traitor?? What the hell? So I asked him. Well, first I pinned him to the ground and then I asked him. I was not in a particularly good mood. 

He wouldn't answer me. I asked again, politely. He looked at me as though I was the one who was crazy, and laughed. "You? You want to know what's going on? You betrayed us to the emperor!" 

I was even more confused. "What emperor?" 

"You hit your head or something, Son Goten?" He laughed again, bitterly this time. "We were almost there. We almost had it. We were going to take that bastard Frieza down. And then you… you betrayed us. They're all dead because of you." 

"But Trunks killed –" 

"Frieza killed him six months ago! Don't you remember anything?" The boy was getting frustrated, and I realized that he wasn't any more than maybe twelve. 

"But can't someone just turn into a Super Saiyan? Frieza wasn't stronger than a Super Saiyan." I let him up. 

"That's a legend." The boy shivered and crossed his arms. "No one can do that. That's why Kakkarot was executed." 

My father… What? I had the feeling that I was going to be asking that question a lot. 

"I can turn into a Super Saiyan." I stood up and called the energy. The rage, the fire, it burns and burns and when there's no other outlet, we transform. At least, that's how it's supposed to work. That time, I couldn't do it. I don't know why. But the energy level was apparently high enough to alert one of Frieza's elite, because the next thing I saw was a blade coming out of the center of my chest. Not even a Super Saiyan can survive having their heart destroyed. The energy I had gathered exploded outwards, and then I woke up again. 

The sky was blue, the sun shone, no one tried to kill me. No gaping hole in my torso. No blood. Trunks stood above me and held out a hand. "Sorry, Goten. I didn't mean to hit you that hard." 

I took his hand, and he helped me up. I rubbed at the back of my head. "No problem. I'm okay. See?" 

I was a little sore, though, not that I was going to mention it. Trunks smiled. "I knew you were." He didn't let go of my hand, and I got a little… worried. At the time, I put it down to that very bizarre dream I'd somehow managed to have after being smacked on the head. Ha. As if life would ever be that simple. Trunks pulled me in close to him. "I think you should stay with me tonight. Just in case." He was practically whispering, and the tone in his voice… it was more than just a proposition. It was intimately familiar, as if we'd done this sort of thing before. 

In a way, it was more disturbing than being called traitor. I yanked my hand out of his grasp. "That's not funny, Trunks." 

He got this hurt look on his face. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean you're coming on to me. That's not funny. We tried that, remember? When we were about thirteen. It didn't work." 

After I said that, he looked really hurt. And confused. I swear he was almost crying. It was definitely weirder than being called a traitor. 

"I…I thought… I'm sorry." He backed away and vanished. I would have followed his ki, but he had suppressed it as soon as he was out of sight, and I couldn't find him. So I went home. 

Boy, did I get a surprise there. Vegeta opened the door just as I got there. 

Now, you have to understand that the only time Vegeta is ever at my house is when he wants to bitch out Tou-san for missing a sparring session. Since they don't spar very often – Vegeta prefers to train alone – this has happened maybe once in my conscious memory. 

"What are you doing here, brat?" 

Duh. "I live here." 

"I thought you moved in with Trunks after you two got engaged." That was from Gohan. He was standing with an arm around Vegeta's waist. 

I think I must have looked like a stranded fish. I literally was at a loss for words. The world had gone absolutely insane. I regained control of my tongue. "Gohan, I have no idea what you're talking about." There. That had come out rather well. 

Gohan frowned. Vegeta was furious. "Are you rejecting my son, you half-breed spawn of a third-class fighter?" 

I thought I'd had it at that point. Vegeta's energy spiraled upwards. I sent my own up to match, and the world faded into white. 

At that point, I would have sworn I was ready for anything. I had no idea. None. Do you know how many worlds I saw? Of course you don't. How could you? I'd be willing to bet that before I walked in here, you didn't even know that other worlds were possible. Let alone as prolific as they are. I'll never look at this one the same way again. What was the next world? I… don't want to talk about that one. 

… 

…all right. The next place I woke up was inside my own room. Normal, right? Bruised, a little battered, kind of how I usually feel after a sparring session with Vegeta. Or maybe my father. Pretty good, all in all. It's nice to feel the abused stretch of muscle pushed beyond its limits. It means that those limits are expanding. 

I am, I am. I'm getting to it. Can't blame a guy for not wanting to… Right, I'll try to stay on track. Where was I? Oh yeah. I had just woken up. I was hoping it had been a dream, but I wasn't willing to bet on it. I was so right. I was also fairly certain that if I powered up, I'd just get catapulted further. See, that little metal thing I'd found… I'd infused it with my ki the first time, and when I died – or when my alternate self died – it just pulled the connection tighter. Not knowing how it worked, I went to ask Bulma if she would help me. Crazy story, of course. I mean, I was hoping she'd believe me, that she'd be able to help me figure out how to reverse its effects. My theory was that the more jumps I'd made, the less likely it would be to retrace 'em. Not that you can trace them anyway. It was kinda strange, I guess I should mention, that I didn't see anyone in my family before I got to Capsule Corps. I guess that fact got kinda subsumed by the events taking place. 

No one was really evident at Capsule Corps, either. I knocked on the door, waited. Once again, it was Vegeta who answered. He was powered up to Super Saiyan level 2, and radiating fury. He didn't even give me a chance to say anything, simply swung. Instinct kicked in, and I powered up. I wasn't quick enough, and he hit me. I think it broke my neck, because the next time I woke up, I was inside Capsule Corps, and Bulma was staring down at me. 

"You've got a lot of nerve, coming around here." 

I really couldn't move, now. I could feel the restraints sucking at my ki, holding me down. It was one of the most terrifying feelings I've ever had. I was completely helpless. And I mean completely. I couldn't even speak. 

That was okay for a while, because Bulma did a lot of speaking. And not much else. It was what she was saying that bothered me. It's not too often that you find out that your alternate self raped your best friend and then tried to kill him. I guess she had adequate cause to be angry. On the other hand, from what she was saying, I also gathered that my double had had a rough time of it since Gohan had died. Not that that excuses my – his actions. I really really wanted to get out of there. There had to be another way to get back to my world, one that didn't involve Bulma. I didn't quite get the chance. 

She… She tortured me. For hours. I, ah, don't want to talk about what exactly she did. I screamed, after a while. Begged her to stop. Funny, you know, you'd think as a Saiyan I'd be less bothered than pain. My father'd be ashamed of me, I think. 

Scars? No, I don't have any scars from it. It wasn't really my body. Well, it was but not in the sense that you're implying. That's not the end of it. You wanted me to talk, and dammit, you're going to listen, not interrupt me with questions about proof. 

Even while I was screaming and pleading with her, there was part of me that wasn't there. Part that said, this isn't you. That isn't Bulma. I had managed to convince myself of it until Trunks walked in the door. His movements were stilted, and as soon as he came closer, I could see why. He wore a sort of metallic exoskeleton from the middle of his chest down. It didn't move as smoothly as he could. 

I'd broken his back. Not something he'd be recovering from any time soon. He returned the favor. And then he really started in on me. I don't know how he kept me alive, with all the damage he did. I think he gave me a senzu at one point. I'm not sure. It hurt worse when he hit me, burned… I… 

He didn't say a word, through it all. I learned why that was, too, when he sliced through my vocal cords. I think all of them were insane. When he was finished, he gave me another senzu. 

He did it again the next day. 

And the next. 

You ever hear of that old legend about the man whose punishment in hell is to have his liver eaten out day after day? I felt like that. 

The fourth day was when I escaped. Vegeta pulled my heart out of my chest and burned it. I could see it, while I died. Do you know what it feels like to die? …I should stop asking you these questions. You've led a normal life. No dying, no… Right. Right. Continue. 

I woke up again. How many times? They're all blurring together now. They were so clear earlier… I woke up and I knew there was something I was supposed to do. I couldn't remember what it was. It was something important, and I had to ask Bulma to… who was Bulma? I had work to do… that day was the day we had to clear the planet Earth for sale. And third-class fighter though I was, thanks to the standing of my father, I was still eminently capable. My grandfather had been damn near legendary, and my father was said to have been his match, and more. Not that that changed the birth-status. Nothing could alter that. Males got the status of their fathers, females –the few that there were – of their mothers. Females were rarely allowed to fight, either, which is why it was such a great honor that my sister was allowed to accompany us on this mission. Lord Vegeta was honoring my squad by giving us the assignment, by the way. 

It was glorious. We landed, and the mayhem began. Burning flames… fire is beautiful. So pure. So clean. We cleared the planet in just a short time. I didn't even remember the faces of those I eliminated; a fighter in the desert and his feline companion, a blue-haired woman working on some sort of schematic, a man with a turtle shell on his back… I had the feeling that there was something familiar about them, but I wasn't sure what it was. It bothered me, and I grew careless. A Namek warrior – although I had no idea what the hell one was doing way out here – clipped me across the shoulder. It was enough to stun me momentarily, which was all the time he needed to finish me off. As I lay dying again, I saw him go down. My sister had done it. I was so proud of her. 

I honestly don't remember most of what I saw. It's all running together. I remember being a fighter. I remember that there was a total peace for decades over the earth. I remember destroying Namek. I remember killing Frieza, and then dying at the hands of that traitor Ginyu. Should have known better than to trust the bastard. I was a teacher once, I think. Little kids. I did that for twelve years. In that time, I died due to a genetic disease I inherited from my father. I think that happened a lot, actually. 

The most frightening part of this is that I lost myself, after those first few times. Once my death instead of my ki triggered the catapult, I couldn't remember who I was. I think I remembered a few times, but those memories are also linked to locked doors and restraints. Of course no one believed me. 

You don't believe me. Hn. Didn't expect you to. 

You want me to try to remember more about these worlds? Oh gods… 

After the Namek killed me, I was in hell. Trying to find someone, although I'm not sure who. I don't think I was dead. Actually, if I'd been dead, I wouldn't have been there. I didn't find him, but I did see Enma Daiou. You should have seen his face when I came out of his desk drawer. Of course, my father thought it was hysterical. That was the only time I ever met my father in that life. Vegeta was living with my older brother again, and I… I don't remember. I really don't. 

I remember a world of chaos. Mostly chaos. I think that was after Buu had been defeated, and nearly all of Earth's heroes had died in the process. No one was left who was able to organize the remnants of Earth's population. See, the planet hadn't been destroyed in that world. Unfortunately, the Dragonballs had. No chance of reviving any of the casualties. I'd think sometimes that we'd be better off dead. There was almost no one left. Those that were… they fought among themselves. Nothing mattered except power. I had power. So did Trunks. We were about the only two fighters left. I tried so hard to make the territory we held livable. He did, too. There was order. You could walk the streets without fearing death and worse. It wasn't enough. It was never ever enough. We couldn't hold enough territory to protect all the residents of the Earth. We were strong, but not invincible. And we had to train others. We had to train them enough to make sure that they would be able to protect others, but not enough that they would be able to beat us. We had to be careful about who we trained; there was a fiasco with a man named Daedalus; he tried assassinating the both of us. It was a constant race to keep up. 

The one good thing about that world was Trunks. He was stable, he was sane. He was the center that my world revolved around. I would have gone crazy if it wasn't for him. And he would have been lost without me; it went both ways. I… loved him in every way I could. 

I've never felt that way about anyone. Ever. Not in any other world. It's difficult to look at him, now. I keep seeing the other version of him, how he smiled and fought, and protected me while I protected him. The way he looked when we made love. And then everything shifts, and I see the Trunks who broke my back to the delighted laughter of his mother. It… I… It's a little disorienting. 

I remember once, when we had just started out, and we weren't more than eight or nine… and the world was insane, and we found this little girl. She was in the process of freezing to death. We saved her life. It didn't take too long after that to figure out that we were capable of taking and holding territory, of enforcing the rules within it. I think I was twelve when I killed the first trespasser. Not without provocation, of course. He'd been warned. No raids were allowed. We took in those we could, but the only way to stay in our territory was to swear to us. It was the only way to ensure their loyalty. 

That didn't work sometimes. I told you about Daedalus. 

How did I get out? I… don't know. I really don't remember how I died that time. I think Trunks died before I did. Or maybe I died first. I'm not sure. It was on my twenty-second birthday, though. I do remember that. 

Mostly, I remember fighting. Peace… is a rare thing. All of you humans, you think it's a natural state. It isn't. The nature of life is war. Always trying to stay one step ahead of your enemy, because if you let your guard down, you'll die. It took me a while to learn that lesson. Trunks always did tell me I was too trusting. I got him killed once, I think. Well, more than once, but not always for the same reason. 

Look, I don't know how it works. I don't know how I got back here. It was – Dream? Hallucination? Are you ins- I am not the crazy one here. I lived so many different lives. There's no way I could have… Oh. The metal thing? It was gone, when I got back here. Well, if I'd seen it I would have brought it with me, dammit. And I wouldn't give it to you. Because you wouldn't know what to do with it. 

You're humoring me, aren't you. You think that I've got some sort of chemical imbalance, something that made me see those other worlds. I don't. I was there. Fine. You want to hear more. Then I'll tell you. 

I said before that I didn't remember… who I was… not after the first few shifts. I think I did. A couple of times. Once was when I tried to kill my father… I don't know why. He looked at me, and I couldn't do it, because I remembered that he'd fought to save us from Maajin Buu. I didn't get the chance to try to make it back here that time. He used my hesitation like a weapon and gutted me before I had a chance to respond. It wouldn't have mattered that time anyway, because my brother destroyed the Earth in a fit of pique. Something about one of the girls. Or maybe that was my uncle… 

Gohan was always different… Sometimes he was almost happy. Sometimes I think he wanted to kill us all. Maybe that's why he gets along so well with Vegeta… 

I remember that I knew who I was during one of the worlds at peace. This world was almost perfect. This world didn't know war at all; kind of like the best of all the possibilities. No Frieza, no Cell… Not that I ever saw them, but Gohan used to tell me stories when I was a little kid. Stories about my father, 'cause he wasn't around when I was little. Being dead kinda screws up your family life, I guess. There was no Brolli, no Maajin Buu. Well, as it turned out, Brolli had been alive. He'd just been killed earlier. And Maajin Buu was probably still asleep on Earth. We never woke him up, in that world. 

I grew up without fighting. There was no need for it. My father, of course, loved it, but there wasn't really anyone who could come close to matching his power. There were those who were more skilled, but he was just naturally stronger, and faster. My brother wasn't trained to fight either, but I didn't see him much after he was taken away. No one really told me why; I was only four, I think. It might have had something to do with the knives, and the blood. I couldn't go in his room without smelling the blood. And he never talked to me any more after that, just sort of smiled and went away again. 

I knew that world was wrong. I always knew it was wrong, but I didn't know why. Even when I was sixteen and Radditz conquered the Earth. I knew that it wasn't supposed to happen like that. He said I reminded him of his father. That was after he killed my father, of course, for failing in his mission. He told me about Brolli, too. And he introduced me to Frieza. And that was when I knew that Trunks had killed him and I was looking at a walking ghost. But that wasn't right either, 'cause Vegeta … Vegeta had never been to Earth. 

I think that was when the Ginyu force promised to help us overthrow Frieza. Ginyu was insane, though, and once he got into Frieza's body… he went on a rampage and killed us all. No one could stop him. I wonder what happened to him… the last thing I remember was Vegeta trying to pull me out of the way of Ginyu's finishing blast. 

I think that was only a few jumps ago. I went from there to the next with my memories intact. I woke up, and I couldn't move. All I could see was white. Nobody listened to me, there. It was hard to talk, but I tried to tell them. I tried. My father didn't believe me. And my brother said I was sick, and that was what made me think these things. Videl just cried. I don't know why, exactly. Every time my brother told me I was going to get better, she just cried. Trunks wouldn't even look at me. Not when I tried to tell him about where I'd been. He held my hand, though. He told me that the dreams couldn't hurt me. They're not dreams. I didn't stay there long. 

He's supposed to pick me up, when we're finished. We've been living together for almost a month, now. It's nice, to be around him. 

I wonder what would have happened if I'd ended up in a world where I didn't exist. Like Mirai Trunks' world. There would have been no me, there. Would I have just gone out? Or maybe I did. No, that's not right, because I'm here. I think. 

Not that I'll stay here. Not for very long. It's never for very long. Not compared to the time since yesterday. Unless I'm home again. I might be home. It's… hard to tell what makes home any different from anywhere else, because all of these memories are sliding around inside my brain. But I think this is it. I really do. There's something that's just… more solid… here. I can feel who I am. I can see the blue. The endless blue of the sky. 

I don't know, exactly, how I got back, but I can tell you where I was. Right before now. It wasn't really any different from anywhere else. They all start to look the same, after a while. 

I woke up that time when Trunks threw a bucket of water in my face and apologized for hitting me so hard. He looked really really worried. I told him it was all right, and that I was nearly as strong as he was, so he could hit me all he wanted. He kinda smiled, and said he'd drive me home. I would have said don't bother, I can fly, but I was tired, so I let him. 

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is waking up next to something warm. Trunks, of course. We were still in the car, and it was dark out. He was watching me as if he wasn't sure about something. I asked him why we'd stopped. He just shrugged and said No reason, and started the car again. When he stopped it, I could see Capsule Corps. I wanted to know why we were here and why he hadn't taken me home. He looked at me like I was nuts, and said that it was too far away, and if something happened he wouldn't be able to get to me in time. 

I had no idea what he was talking about. I had no memories of that life at all. I didn't want to tell him that; I didn't think he'd believe me. So I just nodded and followed him inside. The lights were on, and his mother was waiting for us. Trunks told her that everything was fine, and not to worry. 

It didn't really make any difference. She watched us go upstairs anyway. I know she was trying to act normal, but I could tell. 

The next day was warm, and I snuck out by myself. See, the entire morning, someone was watching me. I was never ever allowed to be alone. It began to get on my nerves. Have you ever had someone constantly monitoring what you do? As much as they try to be unobtrusive, they're still there. So I left. I went out through the window. I didn't fly, because Trunks could have sensed my ki. I climbed down the wall and started running. 

The place where we'd been sparring when it started… when he hit me the first time… wasn't too far away, and I ended up there. Completely by accident. I tried to fly, and it felt like someone had put my chest in a vise. I couldn't breathe. I lost my concentration and hit the ground. 

Once I lowered my ki, I felt better. Sorta. I lay there for a while, breathing. Breathing is a good thing. I got up, eventually, shook my head, watched the sparkles at the edge of my vision fade. Well, they mostly faded. I still saw flashes every once in a while. Walking was harder than it had been before, so I went slowly, and just wandered around. You ever take a minute to just look at the sky? It's beautiful. So blue. 

Since I wasn't watching where I was going, I tripped. And damn if it wasn't the same thing I'd hit the first time I'd shifted. How many times did it take for me to find it again? So many lives. So many years. It's been forever… and it was only yesterday. 

I still couldn't read it, and it had started to corrode. That made it harder to decipher. But it was still the thing that I needed… I tried to pull it out of the ground, but it was buried deeper than I originally thought. So I tried to use my ki. That felt almost as bad as flying had, earlier, and I collapsed against it. It took me longer to recover this time, and in the process of trying to unearth the thing, I'd scraped off skin. It stung. A lot. 

Blood… it gets black when it dries. And in water… it turns orange. I know, because I felt warm water hit my bloody hands. I was crying. I was so close. So close… 

I must have tried to brush the tears away, because when Trunks found me, he freaked. He was absolutely positive I'd managed to injure myself in some terrible way, and it was only when I was all cleaned up and the scrapes bandaged with what seemed to be a disproportionate amount of antibiotics that he calmed down. Then he said something really strange. 

"Goten, you know your immune system isn't in great shape. Try to be more careful next time." Huh? I'd never ever had that problem before. Probably, anyway. I think I've died in just about every conceivable – what? Oh. Okay. 

Anyway, it was a while before they stopped watching literally every single move I made. Trunks was the most attentive; sometimes I loved him for it, sometimes I hated him. He always made sure I got what I needed, though. Except privacy. I think I tried to tell him about the metal thing… the one that got me there. Only he gave me the same look he'd given me when I said I was as strong as he was. And that was all. A couple of days later, Bulma started changing the medication she was giving me. Of course, she was always changing the medication, and sometimes it made it a little hard to think. Those were the times when I was glad Trunks never left me alone, because I was never sure of anything. 

It starts getting kinda hazy after that. I remember heat, and fighting, except I wasn't fighting, because I couldn't move. Trunks didn't leave. I think he was afraid I was going to die. He was right, too. 

I woke up this morning to Trunks again. It's funny, but I think I saw him more than anyone else. I told him not to worry, that I wasn't sick or anything. He gave me a really weird look. I guess I can't blame him. I mean, he's been a little twitchy since Gohan moved in with Vegeta. His lover's brother is living with his father. Gotta be weird. 'Course, it's weird for me, too. 

I'm feeling fine, why? 

That's all. I don't remember any more. Bits and pieces, but they're all meshing together. All the bits, turning the same colors… They're all blue. Don't you see the blue light? It's all around. 

Sure, I can wait for a couple of minutes. Is Trunks here yet? Oh. There he is. He's standing outside – I can sense his ki, of course. See? Here he comes. 

Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing? Get the hell off of me! I told you – Gohan-niichan! Let go! Get that thing away from me! No more needles… Trunks, help me! No! Don't! Stop it! Trunks!!! Why… are you just… standing there… I… I… didn't… I'm not… please… 

Can't… Trunks… 

… 


End file.
